Balancing the Super Parent Within Us

by Robin Starkey Harpster, MA MFT

As spring approaches, I can feel the buzz of social, academic and extra-curricular opportunity mounting. For some parents, it is a time of year when the impulse to do it all and be it all kicks into high gear. While donning my own cape, I often find I’m overwhelmed by all the expectation and am left wondering, “how can I ever measure up”? Unfortunately the reality is that if the expectation is to be a “Super Parent”, I never will, but there is relief in the realization that I don’t have to.

In her book, Even June Clever Would Forget the Juice Box, Ann Dunnewold, Ph.D., attributes this pressure we feel to living in the age of “Extreme Parenting”: a time in our cultural evolution where over-the-top mentality (think The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills) has seeped into our expectations of ourselves as parents. At this time of year as excitement about our opportunities for filling our calendars begins to mount, I’d like to offer you a few gifts of inspiration for staying balanced, and honoring the human non-super hero within:

Breathe.  A few moments of intentional breathing can go a long way in helping us find a tiny corner of relaxation to reflect on what is most important. Maybe that third birthday party of the weekend can be skipped, maybe it can’t. For now, for five, maybe ten breaths, it doesn’t matter. Recently there has been some exciting research emerging about how this type of mindful practice actually changes our brains, and ultimately gives us real peace of mind. (see this article for more information.)

Embrace the Imperfection. Another gift from Ann Dunnewold’s book is the concept of the “perfectly good mother.” In an age where most of us strive to perfection and find ourselves floundering to measure up, I love this compromise. No we can’t do everything perfectly, but we can do a “perfectly good” job. Making mistakes is how we learn right? We tell our kids this all the time, let’s practice what we preach.

Make time for quality time. I know we’ve all heard this one, but there is a reason this adage has stood the test of time. Your kids want to spend time with you, and they (and you) are bettered by the experience. Starting to feel a little disconnected with your kids amidst all the schlepping around town? Spend a night in with pizza and a movie. Or drive around the block a few extra times to allow for that much needed chat about your daughter’s friendship challenges and joys.

Make priority a priority. Planning is oh so important, but so is setting priorities. When you are feeling overwhelmed it can be easy to say yes to everything and forget that we have the ability to prioritize and say no.  This type of assertiveness is another opportunity for modeling real-life social and emotional skills your kids need as they become successful and effective adults.

Put yourself on the “To Do” List. I find myself turning more into the mom version of myself I don’t like when I’ve gone too long between yoga classes or I had to miss book club to stay home with a sick child. As parents, it is essential that we provide ourselves with space to let go of our stress. That might mean making time for connecting with a supportive partner on a night out, a run around the Rose Bowl or a conversation with an old friend. Find what it is for you and make it happen.

Hopefully this list doesn’t feel like I’m giving you more to do. Like life, parenting is about trial and error in finding the balance that works for us and for our families. And sometimes we still feel like wearing our super hero capes to dinner and that’s okay too. I won’t tell if you won’t – I may or may not be wearing mine right now.

Robin Starkey Harpster, MA is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (MFC 41937) and Coordinator for the New and Young Families Program at the Institute for Girls’ Development in Pasadena and Sherman Oaks, CA. Robin and her team bring a unique embodied and mindful approach to individual, group, couple and family psychotherapy and workshops for women, children and families. Robin is the current Secretary for the Board of Directors of Postpartum Support International and the Coordinator for the San Gabriel Valley Chapter of The Motherhood Consortium.

Originally Published in Macaroni Kid Pasadena March 2011
Copyright © Institute for Girls’ Development